Forgetful.

i'm restless, and i'm finding ways not to think about SCIE1000. it's an open book exam, so who gives a shit. i joked around saying that i wanna bring my mom into the exam hall, and Jonathan was suggesting me to glue my mom on paper. or something. OTL he makes such brilliant jokes that i can't - i just can't kacau him TT_TT okay moving on. so, i had some intimate chat with a friend. and basically, she said that i'm pretending. i'm pretending not to care about the world but yet i do care. or something along those lines. i know u didn't mean anything bad lulz u were just voicing (typing) ur thoughts out loud, but it kinda struck me deep when u said that i'm pretending. i was like, what did i do wrong =__= 'pretending' is kind of a strong word to use against me who is like a chronic self analyst.

am i pretending? hurmm. she said that she deduced that conclusion based upon reading my blog. sooo then. what did i write? i'm not acting innocently cute or anything but it's true that i'm forgetful. so, i read back 3 months load of posts and i can't find anything similar to what she had described. i can't find anything. there is that post that i said that i change with the people around me. changing is definitely not pretending. or maybe it's the post about masks? i behave differently in front of other people because i wanna live in their expectation. that goes somewhere in the lines of pretending, yes, but come on D: u can't expect me to bring all my weirdness in front of my parents. it's bad for their health kekeke xD hurm. let's move on to the second part - about caring and not caring for the world. do i care for the world? yesh yesh i hug trees. i care for humanity, generally. hurmm. maybe i should ask her what she said that i cared about? maybe. do i care when i people accuse me of pretending? if that is what i appear to be in front of them, i guess i can't do anything. but i'm curious of why they think i'm so, and therefore, do i care then? =__= i'm not even sure when i care or when i don't care about something so what's the probability of me pretending to be either?

so when someone said that i'm pretending, i get a little bit upset because i know i'm just being myself. so yeah, i do care. i've been finding reasons to prove who i am now so when someone said that i'm not who i am ought to be, i get a little bit insecure. like whoah. i don't care when people call me a freak, weird etc but pretending? let's consider the possibility of me pretending to be all those things. so what am i if i don't pretend? a boring lifeless nerd i presume. haih. maybe i do care. maybe i don't care.

but who cares? i have a paper in another 5 hours.