Hello 2011. (take 5)

false alarm.

i just want to post this one up.

// it is rude to stare. *stares forever*

Hello 2011. (take 4)

i didn't really say anything good about 2010 in the last post, except for my epic fail to fail that leads me to something close to some sort kinda of an achievement.

what is good this year? my college, is awesome. the people who i met during college, are nice. some of them. but generally, i think i have always kinda sorta liek them. actually i spent sometime reminiscing about stuff. about. how it was like the first time talking to SOME people. HAHAHAHA i was laughing like hell and i couldn't sleep FML again HAHAHAHA. do you know the kind of thoughts you get the first time you saw a person? and then later on you got to know that person better; and you feel like if the person ever knew about your first impression towards the person, you're gonna get killed? exactly what i'm feeling, because i was dead wrong. i'm seriously giggling while typing OTL

haihh good times. good times. i would say that i miss you people but then i thought about how i'll be stuck with you guys for another 3 years on an awesomely large island so no i don't miss you guys so much.

but it's not like you guys would miss me anyway.

so apart from meeting new people, i'm also very grateful that i got to keep some of my old friends close. especially my official guardian in Subang, Paah LOL. seriously, without you, i will surely get kidnapped by some random creepy guy and sold on the borders of North Korea. idk i just felt like going to Korea but then i won't get to South Korea so i just have to settle for the borders of North Korea. anyway, thanks a lot. saya tahu saya annoying but but saya suka merempat dengan awak TTwTT ♥ sobs. all the guys from monash are still here. ayam penyet ria sunway lah tempat kita berkumpul. J2 forever? TTwTT aihhh.

and the KPOP MADNESS that i've lived through this year. it is just madness. starting from SS3, i have evolved to a fan girl i am today. i mean, do you believe it? i've been to a Super Show, watching Super Junior performing live in front of me, without knowing a thing about them. i only recognize one song from them, that is, the ever popular "Sorry Sorry". i am ashamed of myself. but i became a somewhat of a proper ELF afterwards. and then, i became a B2UTY. a serious one. went for their awesome showcase and fan signing. aihhh my sayang DongWoon. i will see you again in January. i was really involve with some serious K-stuff that i got out of control =w= scary. go and stalk my posts during those times.

oh and then there was that time when Twitter-chan got hacked and 4CHAN invaded Tumblr-tan. seriously, WHAT IS AIR.

Lakeside dry curry was fun. GAMP was fun. stalking jjang oppas and bishies on campus was fun (gahhh oppa number 7 i miss you lots TTwTT ). uhhhhh. good things did happened throughout 2010. and yes i managed to keep myself alive through out the year. do you need anymore proof that my 2010 is awesome? OTL

so i guess the next post would be my ramblings about my expectations for 2011 right? =___= it could be. who knows.

Hello 2011. (take 3)

ah okay, okay. maybe i should put a few good words for 2010. ehemm ehemmm.

the fact that i'm actually writing something about 2010 means that i survived 2010! :D honestly surviving year in and year out is quite an accomplishment for me. do you know that i am at least 10 times more prominent to be struck by lightning than an average person? scratch that. i'm 10 times more prominent to be caught in deep shits than an average person. and usually, things like that can cost me my life D:

when i am fighting one on one with fate and destiny, i always lose. =w= my mastering biology quizzes. haihh. that that awesome few minutes left for one to print and submit one's assignment. haihh. i duel with those kinds of things. and i lose. i am a failure. i will never be awesome OTL

but fate and destiny always gives me what i want - in the most inconvenient way. if i could describe fate, destiny and luck, it would be like, fate and destiny both are vector quantities, while luck serves as its magnitude. hmmm. i think fate and destiny are the same thing, so i shall refer to them as fate because it has the same alphabet count as luck. i do like destiny because it sounds more dramatic butttttt i think i'll use fate. so as a vector quantity, fate has a direction and a magnitude. the simplest example that i could think of, is of course, the probability of me going to UQ or some other university in Malaysia. it's not like i hate my own country or anything but the idea of losing people than i have met along the way is just not nice? anyway i always have thought that anywhere is better than 'here'. it's a 'grass is always greener on the other side' syndrome. even if it's not, i would want to prove that by myself rather than to be told by other people. and besides, what if my second university option is right here in Melaka and i have to stay with my parents Q____Q the thought is not nice. i've been living away from my parents at a younger age than my sister and i think i got too used to living alone (there i finally said it OTL).

wahhh i got sesat. hmmm. so, fate decides where i'm heading, but luck decides the rate of which my life is moving to match the decided path. i could have never known the direction of my fate, but i could easily tell the  magnitude of the luck i'm experiencing. and i had bad luck. hmmm. could it be that luck is a vector quantity too? luck can be bad or good depending on the direction, and the magnitude can be whether i'm being super lucky or very unlucky. =____= dammit i'm too lazy to edit all the stuff i've written. so let's pretend that luck is just a magnitude. 'very lucky' corresponds to a higher magnitude of 'luck', while 'very unlucky' corresponds to a low magnitude of luck. now now do you get me? ohoho.

so like, my journey of getting my ass to UQ is directed by fate, accompanied with a very sucky luck. how else would you explain how i got 'lucky' that i could go to UQ despite my sucky result OTL and the waiting period that i had to endure TTwTT and and all those sucky assignments that i did. those are proof how sucky my luck was. so yes people, i am not lucky. i am loved by fate. i am a destiny's child HAHAHAHA OTL sorry sorry stupid joke.

haih okay i might write another one when i'm feeling more sane =3=

Hello 2011. (take 2)

i wondered how i spent the last few days before entering a brand new year, for the past two years. so i checked the archive.

in the end of 2008, i was bored. i was complaining that i didn't get to go anywhere for a vacation for my family.

in the end of 2009, i was bored. so i copied some details about Taylor's Lakeside Residence and complained about how awesomely expensive it is. ah i must have been really stressed back then, finding a house to rent and all.

so in the end of 2010, i'm still bored (for now). i'm at home munching on McD fries eventhough i've been trying so hard to starve myself so i could lose 6kgs before my sayangs come FML. and i too am worried about my accommodations in Queensland. i (or more exactly M***) didn't get our Visa sorted out yet =A= i wish i could get everything settle way before the date when we're actually supposed to leave because i don't wanna be caught in stress (that will somehow make me thinking that NOT FLYING is actually better). i don't want thatttt TTwTT but i'm positive that things will work out (like it did in 2009). but i hope it'll work out without my father needing to spend a few hundreds more on me. and i've been itching to pack. but again, i'm not sure what i'm supposed to bring. clothes? i'm starting to feel like i don't have any clothes OTL i am fat and i think jeans will look horrible on me =___= that is how fat i think i am. i have fat legssssssssssss and fat armssssssssssss. i are fat. and i am very sad.

so, so. i guess what i'm trying to point out is that; my life is really boring and stagnant OTL.

oh well there's another 4 days before 2011. things could change. things could change in 4 days more that in could change in 3 years. =w=

Hello 2011.

a retard who made a new year's post too early OTL

i can has cakes?

MV Linkin Park ini awesome. awesome song. yahhh Chester i'm still in love with you.



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i'm so bored i don't even know what to ramble about. oh well

IN YAOI FANFICS WE SHALL CONFIDE IN

Miscommunication.

my auntie came over and brought my brother and I out to lunch. secret recipe. it was okay.

then my dad called asking us where we were because he came home to an empty house and bought us lunches too. tetttt. kena marah.

actually we told mom we were going out. we had this impression that mom and dad are telepathically connected. we've told mom that we're going out, shouldn't dad automatically supposed to know about it too? hehe. my bad =___=

my parents. they usually fight over the most trivial things. there was this one night, my dad asked my mom what she would want for dinner, because he'll be going out and tapau us takeouts - a routine. my mom wanted some beef soup from shop A. then dad said shop A dah lama went out of business. my mom tak puas hati and said "no, the kedai is still opened la~". my dad was like, "kedai yang dekat traffic light tu kan? dah lama tutup. papa tau la sebab papa yang selalu pergi". and then, the argument got heated up =___= i was sitting in front of my laptop listening to them. haihh. then it turns out, my dad was talking about a shop dekat traffic light yang lain OTL so it was just a miscommunication.

saya pun kena kahwin ke nanti =3=

Dumb.

i just fail so hard =__=

i don't know if it was on purpose.

but why would it be on purpose.

nobody knows.

just leave me and my complexes alone

Like a Circle.

it is pointless.
------------------------------------------------------------

i should be sleepinggggggggg. esok nak kenduriiiiiiiiiiiiii. FML.

ohai. tomorrow. it is see eff day 1 a kenduri. kenduri arwah and doa selamat to be exact. it's a 4 in 1 kenduri if i'm not mistaken. kenduri arwah for my grandparents on my mother's side of the family, on my father's side of the family, for my late nenek sedara that has some blood connection with my father's side of the family and a doa selamat for my coming niece/nephew. i dunno if it's good to combine everything in one go butttt like i said, i dunno.

so like, we're inviting mostly our relatives. 120 people. aihh. they're supposed to be my relatives, right? honestly, i dunno how my family tree works LOL. it's complicated.

you know what i feel lazy to write -___-

It's Difficult.

I WANT TO GO SEE EFF;

i should go. hmm. i can't go for the first day though. so all i have is the second day. i checked the schedule. it supposed to end at 7 pm. so if i catch an 8 am bus from melaka i'll probably reach TS by 12 pm. i can stay for a few hours and leave at 5 pm. i looked up the venue. so it's not really in TS? it's like, the building next to TS? something like Sunway Pyramid and Sunway Hotel i guess. guhh. i will be sesat. i can't go alone. facebook kata i have 255 friends but none of my 255 friends are free to come with me to see eff =3= 

what's my options? i have options. do i? yes. it seems like a far-fetched idea but it could work =w= it should work because it's a far-fetched idea. it's perfect. haih. but i need to lay down some conditions, and wait for the perfect timing. AJDKSALDK i must do it.

fuck i don't have a headphone.

nevermind i have some broken ones, it should suffice AKJDLADJASDA. if i don't do this, i will die. i can't afford to wait for next year OTL i must do this.

should i get myself a boyfriend? =w= i've been thinking how easier all this would be if i had a boyfriend ehehe OTL tadi saya baca a stupid article about Hongki dengan minah KARA ni using the same phonestrap so people are suspecting them to be a couple or something. i was hurt. it's like he's cheating on me. if i could get hurt by someone who doesn't even know i exist (except DongWoon heuueue dia tahu saya exist; he waved and smiled at me hahahaha haihh sayang cepat la datang malaysia i can't wait >___<), maybe i should get one for real. no matter how lousy hehh.

oh wow what a shallow thought. of course i won't do that =w= why would i trade my perfect virtual husband(s) for something that is real but lousy? even if it's true that Hongki is cheating on me, i still have DongWoon. Ulquiorra pun ada. hmmm.

...but it's nice to have someone to hangout with (whenever it is convenient for me) =3= someone who could protect you while you're boarding A MALAYSIAN PUBLIC TRANSPORT ehh. scratch that he should be driving me around haihh. ehh but i won't be here in malaysia anymore so the last argument really doesn't matter.

truth be told, hati tengah runsing. a friend suggested a little get-together before saya berambus. and he mentioned someone from my past. hohh. i am scared to see him. nnngh. i am embarrassed. i don't really remember what happened OTL i remembered that text i sent him. but then i remembered i sent a few more texts afterwards. and i remembered something about him getting upset and sent me those empty texts. three of them. one minute apart from each other. OTL why am i remembering this now. my right hand; it is still there. i am still mad because he still hasn't returned  three of my comicbooks that i lent to him. cilaka.

eh how did i ended up writing all this =w=

but that was then. 5 years ago? hmm hmmm. all the things i learned from way back then, i'm using it to rebuild myself into a better person. yihh. i don't really know if i'm a 'better' person now. i'm not even a 'good' person. i'm somewhat close to 'nice' i think? LOLOL. HAVE YOU SEEN ME LATELY? i look like a mess. i feel like a mess. i should mess myself up even more OTL

so maybe i'm not really concerned about meeting him. so maybe, generally, i don't like meeting with people from my past. i have changed so much, i might contradict my past with my present self or something. yihh. it's hard to be a monomaniac. which one is real? the 'me' from my past? or the current 'me'? which is better? i want to know. but i'm scared. it's really nice to know all this things, but it is scary LOL. what if they'll point out stuff like "ehh why are you acting like this now? u said you won't caught dead doing something like this in the past." and i would be like, "did i say anything like that? =___= ohhh it happened. i called one of my highschool friends and told her i'm leaving next year and she was like, "but i thought you didn't wanna go. u said staying here in malaysia is better. you'll get a car and all." yes i do remember rambling about the possibility of myself getting a car if i'm studying here. but "NOT WANTING TO GO TO AUSSIE"? U MAD WOMAN? never D: not wanting to go is like, =___= i dunno. so what the hell have i been doing if i don't wanna get my ass down to UQ. sheesh.

so what's the conclusion of this messed up post. u tell me.

Recovery.

i slept the whole day away again FML.

aihh. i got my passport! :'D i could board a plane and sneak into B2ST / U-KISS / SUJU / SHINee dormitory TONIGHT hueueue. that is what i feel like doing. but in reality, all i could do all day is sleep in. seriously =___= i got back from JPN around 12 pm then i slept until 5 pm. i ate 'lunch' and continued sleeping until 10 pm. this is insanity. look at how many hours i could spend stalking people on facebook instead OTL

tapi tadi masa beratur nak buat passport ada oppa comel rambut macam Zhoumi jadi saya terpaksa tarik muka perverted di tempat awam sepanjang masa heuueue. nombor dia 1041. nombor saya 1042. destini destini OTL

saya report kat paah lepas tu kena marah sebab buat passport awal2. lepas tu meroyan dengan dia berangan nak masuk dorm B2ST lepas tu molest diorg OTL OTL OTL haihh apa la nak jadi. bertambah2 teruk muka perverted yang saya buat dikhalayak ramai.

you know i'm getting better when i have the time to fantasize about stuff =___=

Drugged.

hello. you are about to read a twisted, winding post of a very laloq person yang kena macam-macam drug today.

i woke up at 10 am this morning, grabbed breakfast and another round of meds, and slept. yes i just woke up. then my mom asked me to gulp down some cough meds so now i'm feeling drowsyyy again. FML. haihh. i caught a mean flu from B**. i told dad i wasn't feeling very well and i couldn't find where mom stashed all the drugs so dad JUST HAD to call my mom and ask. and mom was being like, "ZOMG GO TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL STAT. " err. she's a matron in Melaka General Hospital. but it was already 11 pm, and i really don't feel like it's THAT BAD, so i told her if i don't feel better tomorrow, then you can take me to hospital or where ever you feel like taking me. uhh. mom was out for this event in Johor so she wasn't home.

so the next morning, i have the same shitty feeling. it's not a fever. it's just this awesome flu. my nose were runny, my eyes we're teary, i was coughing, BUT NO FEVER. the flu was just THAT BAD, until jerawat batu pun keluar. yes. when i get sick, i'll get jerawat batu =3= so i just slept. mom came home later that day, and gave me some clarinase. i didn't know she stashed some clarinase too ALJSKDKSLA. so i ate it, and hope things will turn out okay. BUT IT DIDN'T. i had another tablet before i wen't to bed. but i was tossing and turning all night because i felt so uncomfortable TTwTT i kept sneezing and coughing and all. haihh. it took another tablet, so the total now is three tablets right? haihh. but it kept getting worseeeeeeeeee. and the shitty cycle continues TTwTT my eyes were so swollen, that i had to cancel my intention of getting my photo taken for the passport thingie. i would not look like myself =w=

so when the night came, i reached for another tablet of clarinase. but i had time, so i took a good look at the foil thingie. then i saw it. 03 2008 02 2010. LAKJDKLSA. expired clarinase is expired =____=  told mom and she handed me this new clarinase. uhh but it's called clarinox or something. the same meds but packaged by a different company hence the different name. whatever. i took a capsule and went to bed. and i felt better today =w= no more runny nose. no more teary eyes. i just have to cope with my coughs aihhhh.

moral of the story: jangan pergi BTN nanti demam heueuue.

I Hope You'll Understand.

Massive updates to be done before i can start my pointless ramblings. hohh =___=

• I just got back from ***.
• I'm leaving for Aussie next year.
• I don't think i can go to CF.
• I'm looking forward to seeing my oppa sayang.

I went for a 5 days brainwashing program. and yes i got brainwashed. it's good that i know understand how the country works. but that's just it okay. i'll accept the knowledge you had given me, but that's all. the rebellious part of me would not accept stuff like, "YOU HAVE TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY!! YOU HAVE TO DEFEND THIS, YOU HAVE TO DEFEND THAT!" oii oii. it's not that easy to add stuff to my life's purpose. it's not like adding widgets to your website. ever since i was little, i studied for my parents, for my family. as i grew older, i started to study for the sake of myself. and now you people are telling me i have another burden to carry on my shoulders? oii oii. seriously, i know that i have to respect my country and stuff. but having to hear all those stuff from someone else makes me go

that is exactly what my face looks like everytime i got out from the *** sessions. haihh. haven't you guys heard of Inception? seriously, i would have preferred to be brainwashed without being told beforehand. mumble mumble mumble. whatever. ahh. i just don't like people telling me to do stuff =3=

oh. let me just ramble a bit about my experience in *** that doesn't involved any patriotism stuff. so, i registered when i got there, anddd i was one of the people who didn't covered up our hair. andddd my hair is not black. so of course, i looked like a problem student in a school uniform. so as i sat down in the hall, i thought, okay, maybe i should have just covered my hair before i came here. then i'll blend in, and hopefully, i'll get through the days with ease. after that, the facilitators told us that we have to cover our hair anyway. okay, no biggie. BUT THEN. they announced that they have picked the ahli jawatan kuasa and stuff randomly from the names list AND GUESS WHAT. i was picked as the timbalan penghulu nita. OTL i'm really no good at being in charge of things. no no. i can be good. but i tend to get carried away and stuff. so that's why i preferred to lay low. ah. but the peghulu nita is awesome. she's too awesome that i don't have to do anything OTL my bad. but saya memang jenis orang yang tak bersemangat hueueue. wah. and and and. there was this one activity where we had to find a partner. i looked to my right. i looked to my left. it's weird that i have to go grab people rather than people grabbing to me. so i just stood there lol and ended up alone. weird the feeling is weird. i can be friends with anyone but no one seems to want to be friends with me =w= ah but i can't blame anyone lol saya memang pelik sikit pun aihh OTL i can be friends with a lot of people. but jarang la ada orang yang wants to stay with me a little longer. there must be something wrong with me. lagu "I'm A Loner" dari CN Blue pun bermain-main di minda.

whatever.

oh and it's confirmed. i'm going to Queensland next year :B so just ignore all of my previous monomaniacal posts haha. just accept that those monomaniacal stuff is a part of me =3= whatever i'll blog about this properly in my formal blog with minimal rantings heueue OTL andd. i'm having a predicament. i dunno if i can make it to CF. my parents are having this family get together on saturday aka CF day 1. so it's impossible. transport. aihh. i'm losing my mind. i have no idea how to carry my awesome gunblade to Time Square using malaysian public transport. IT IS HOPELESS. and, accommodation. i could opt for a one day trip. BUT BUT Q__Q my stuff. MY GUNBLADE. I COULD SERIOUSLY GO IF SOMEONE WOULD WANNA ACCOMPANY ME FROM MELAKA. HOPELESSSSS.

whatever.

i'll get to meet my DongWoon oppa for the last time before i leave for Aussie. i want my goodbye kiss. I WANT. =3= next year is gonna be awesome. it should be awesome. but this is my life so things could still go wrong hueueue.

Emotionally Retarded.

can you sense bipolarity in my posts?

i am halfway broken. it's okay if i don't get myself to UQ next year. i want it so bad. but i'll have to let go. i'll just enjoy BTN and when i get back i'll just pick up the pieces of what's ever left. seriously i don't like this one bit. you are making me go through hell. just let me down easy so i can find my way back up. i'm okay with leaving everything and everyone. i'm okay. i will miss them. but i'll be okay.

i dreamed that my sponsor rejected me. it is a horrible feeling. some guy looked at some stack of papers. he said i'm okay, that i'm good to go, but them he flipped over another page and he said, "oh no, we can't afford this after all." like hell. i have already given up. i am angry. i am furious =w= i am mad. i am insane. i really don't think i can be saved. whining doesn't help. throwing my false hope around up high isn't helping either. why am i suffering so much =w= i must have been a serial killer who is a child rapist in my previous life.

I'M DONE. I STILL WANT THOUGH.

Tsundere.

wah i've been MIA for 3 days. i miss catching up with myself. lol narcissist.

it is the third day after doomsday. i can't say i'm dead. i can't say i'm alive. i've been travelling back and forth from melaka to subang for two days straight. hell yeah i used malaysian public transport. but it's all good. i had tons of time to think about stuff while i'm inside the bus and while i'm waiting for the uberly slow ktm.

i am being ignorant. i didn't meet the requirement. but i am optimistic that i'll get to study in UQ next year. this is sickening. uncertainty sucks. whoah it looks like i haven't gotten out of my emo phase =___=

so what else can i say? nothing is confirmed. so i have to live out my life pretending that i will go to UQ next year, until it is actually confirmed. i still refuse to believe that there is also the possibility that i won't get to study in UQ next year. that's why i find myself disgusting. revolting. i am just a phail person. but i won't accept it. =3= i am a yandere. you can't say no to a yandere.

and this where i'll break.

ah. leaving the contemplating, contradictory me with my complexes aside, i would like to recap what had happen in the last two days.

Wednesday

i boarded a bus from melaka to seremban at 8 am. then i took the ktm until i reached subang somewhere around 12 pm. stopped by SS15 to get my brows threaded, but the shop was closed. wanted to get a haircut, but Yvoone  was not in. i redeemed by free chocolate peppermint bubble tea and headed to lakeside for the pre-departure meeting. funny isn't it? i'm doing all these things that will become useless if i can't fly next year. everything i do from here on out, it feels like a joke. i'm not living a lie, i'm living a joke. seriously. aihh. submitted my ARO. another joke. i can't submit the payment form thingie because i would need my passport number. i spare myself the joke and chose not to submit it yet. went for the pre-departure talk, ended around 4:30 pm and went back to melaka.

but random things have a random way of occurring. i was on my way to the LRT ticket counter, and i saw my ex-classmate during highschool. we haven't met around 3 years i think? it was awesome that he could recognize me. i didn't have any problem recognizing him since he didn't change a bit. hueue. he said my hair is completely different, but my face is still the same! :'D wah awet muda OTL OTL OTL he was on his way to melaka too, and that was his first time taking all the LRT and stuff so he was really lost. he said it's a miracle that he bumped into me wahh. it's like i'm an awesome fairy or something. hueueu. so we talked all the way from KL to melaka. seriously, i didn't sleep a wink in the bus. i didn't know i was that talkative. i do talk a lot, but most of the time i would be spouting out nonsense. but this time i had a real conversation lol. i asked him about where he's studying, how is the environment there and everything. he was quite excited to tell me about all the culture shock he experienced, being a melakan-born chinese venturing into the cultural depths of kelantan xD owh then he said i have changed quite a lot. he said i have gained more self-confidence, especially when talking. LOL maybe it's because i talked too much OTL then we reached melaka around 9 pm and went our separate ways.

Thursday

took a 9 am bus this time. reached subang around 1 pm. went to 'gonjeng'kan my hair at Yvoone's. that bitch is really awesome at cutting my hair =3= she was the one who colored my hair the last time too. initially i wanted to wash and cut my hair. but she said she can just do a touch up on my hair roots, which costs a lot less than coloring the whole head. i got a student price for the cut, so i decided to just do it. so now i have my awesome raya hair back :'D definitely shorter. then i met up with alice and headed to lakeside. her appointment was at 3 pm and mine was at 3:30 pm so it was all good. again, lesley said i was really close to getting 6s. my BIOL grade was suffering from my third mastering biology quiz, where my computer crashed and i managed to answer two questions out of 15. it pulled my MB average down, along with my knowledge marks =3= my final exam score is just awesome lol. i don't regret studying that much anymore. ah. lesley talked about what next year should be like. another joke // slaps self. i'm considering to take up microbiology or plant biotech. mom is urging me to take microbiology. so i won't. LOL. i have my own reasons of why i wanna do either of them. but yeah it's still undecided. undecided. undecided. the session lasted no more than 15 minutes, and i headed back to melaka. haih.

seriously, UQ loves me. Lesley said 4.5 is good enough for UQ, because students tend to improve in the coming semesters as they became more specialized in the field that they are most interested with, or something. UQ had the same debate with my sponsors last year too. my sponsors wanted the 5s, but then UQ negotiated with them, and they brought down the requirement to 4.5 so why the hell should they increase the requirement back to 5 this year >__>;; we're the last batch and all so just cut us loose. why the hell are they still torturing me. anyway, Lesley said if my sponsor still insists on the gpa 5 thing, she herself would be glad to meet those butt hurt people and negotiate with them. which is awesome. come on bitches you can't say that you're out of money to send me out now. pfft. i didn't sell out my life to fail now and go to some random malaysian public university. i wouldn't have studied so much in my past lives, throwing away all the awesome wrong things that i could've done to destroy myself. mark my words my kind sponsor, and all who's reading this uberly senseless post; i will fuck myself so hard if i don't get myself into UQ next year.

hah another joke. i'm going to BTN next week. i just bought those uberly lame school uniforms and shoes and whatever. but i'm curious of how they gonna brain wash me. i wonder how i'll turn out. anyway i'll use BTN as a getaway. i need to get myself out of all these useless thinking.

stop being such a tsundere my dear sponsor. i know you love me. everyone loves me. even UQ loves me. be true to yourself sayang. come come let's do a rooftop confession scene.

Here I Stand.

i'm not sure where. should i throw away hope? or should i throw away uncertainties.

fuck.

i'm still holding on to hope, but not brave enough to throw away uncertainties. aihhh why la this world like to see me suffer. i have always been in love with fate. i think fate loves me too. fate and luck are two completely different things though. i don't have such a good relationship with luck. so now, i'm just hoping that fate won't turn its back on me. please? =3=

so right now, everyone is pleased to hear that there is still hope for those who got an average GPA lower than a 5 LIKE ME to still continue on to UQ next year. tracing things back, i don't think i heard any officers from my sponsor said anything about the requirement to be 5. the agreement did however mentioned 70% to be the cut off point for us biotechies, but what 70% lol. 70% out of the awesome grade 7? that would be like 4.9 ~ 5.0 of our overall GPA. but i was told that my sponsor has their own method to calculate the 70% requirement. it could be my sense of denial that's ignoring the 5 but i really don't know. so today, i just emailed them the screenshots of my results, and hopefully by Friday i'll get some clarification. kidding. i'm not that patient and the anxiety is killing me so i'm gonna head down to college tomorrow to see Pn Norlela. ohoho. i need to sort this out quickly since i'll be having my 4 days BTN program next week and i haven't really prepared anything because of all this uncertainties. aihhh. come to think of it, it was my senior who said that my sponsor would increase the minimum requirement to 5 this year. the rest of us were all guessing wildly. so. bottom line.

i don't know what's the minimum requirement to get my ass down in UQ.

but if it's really 5, i'm fucked. i got really shaken up by this semester's result because i studied harder this time, compared to last semester. and what i got this time was utterly bullshit =3= i really didn't expect it to be this bad. it shouldn't be this bad since i studied right? =3= whine whine whine. the so-called requirement GPA 5 sounds really low but why the heck am i having such a hard time coping =______= am i really that dumb of a fuck? i seriously think that what i'm going through now is easier than to what i had gone through during SAM. and now THIS. it's crushing myself esteem yo. not cool. something must be really wrong with me. or the exam paper. seriously i mentioned this before. i don't like to try so hard and fail miserably.

but from what i heard from my friends, Puan Norlela is trying her best to have all of us flying off to UQ next year. God bless her soul. she helped me with my accommodation problems earlier when the course started, so yeah i'm already indebted to her. she called up lina asking how did we calculate the percentage thingie. last year's requirement was 4.5 and they even let a senior with 4.4 to pass through. she said that she'll try to see through the requirement thingie so that everyone could fly next year. yeah that sounds heavenly. heavenly indeed. it sounds too good to be true =3= always a skeptic, i can't throw away my uncertainties just like that. so now i'm turning mad, refreshing my email inbox with every chance i get.

ambiguity sucks =3= it applies to everything i do, everything that i am; it seems.

how is my parents taking all this? haha. the way i expected them to LOL. haihhh seriously i didn't really want to burden them with all of this uncertainties but then it feels like i'm hiding something important from them so. okay okay i'll write this down properly. i was woken up by my mom at 9 am lol so early. she told me to get ready because we're going out. oh. wait back up. last night i told my brother about my result, and he said he'll text/call my parents in the morning to break the news to them. so when i wake up, i was assuming that my mom knows about my epic failure already. and she wasn't supposed to be home today but for some unknown reason she took the day off. i covered my swollen eyes and head to the bathroom sebab bilik air bilik saya hot shower dia rosak hueueue. she was sitting at the edge of her bed when i got out of the bathroom. she looked at me and said,

"today, WE BOWL."

OTL i thought she was gonna say something dramatic. i was imagining things like she knew about my sucky result, and we're heading off to mara to make an appeal or something. but it's not. i got into my room and i banged my head on the wall haihhh why la. it looks like i'm gonna have to break the news to her myself. thanks a lot bro.

so cutting this post kinda short, we headed to MP and played 5 games. i am secretly quite good in bowling. but not that awesome. just good. i managed to score 161 in one of the games. LOL so i kinda had fun playing =3= but every time i thought about how she'll react once i break the news to her, i face-palmed. wtf are you doing intannn. but she was in such a good mood ~__~ i've shown her a joyful side of me so u can't expect me to break such a terrible news to her that suddenly right? after the game, we went for lunch. i was scared. i felt like a goat entering the slaughter house or something. but then, i texted some of my friends and they informed me about what i have written in the earlier part of the post. so. i told mom my result came out last night. it was sucky. but nothing is confirmed. and she was annoyed D: i ruined her day OTL the awkward silence in the car was disturbing. she didn't say anything at all. Q___Q (it was quite awesome that she didn't say anything actually. i was dreading her awesome sarcasm more than her rage. yes i prefer rage please.)  she stopped by her office and i borrowed her printed to print the ARO thingie. then i told her i need to get to campus tomorrow so we went to Melaka Central to buy a bus ticket. her mood picked up after seeing all the random shops there. we even entered Courts because she wanted to take a look at some sofas and couch and whatever =3= so yeah i know where i got my bipolarity from.

haih sorry i had to be such a failure as a musume.

and here i would like to announce that i have completely removed all traces of my normal sleep cycle from my 24 hour biological clock. i was bowling half asleep. i was walking half asleep all day. but i was too scared to fall asleep in the car lol. i went to bed at 10:30 pm just now and i woke up at 12:30 am FML my body seems to think that my sleep during the night is my day time nap.

okay let's see what tomorrow has for me.

Surprised.

the magic number is not there.

i was expecting for a surprise.

but the surprise didn't came.

so i'm surprised.