Rotten Egg.

wee~ i'm updating two blogs in one night! (i mean morning.) if i have the time i might update my third blog. xD and maybe open up a fourth and fifth blog. idk i just love blogs that i can ramble in.

anyways, i'm breaking my head over this normal-freak stuff. and honestly, there was one time where i got agitated when someone called me a freak. i mean, isn't that a bad thing? it's not like i'm actually trying to be different, seriously i don't. there's a lot of people out there who are just like me, confused and a little out of it. u just gotta go out there and meet them. i'm such a boring person to be with when compared to them. haha. i've been thinking too much lately that my head is about to crack. get me out of this place soon before anything happens LOL.

all of this liberal thinking made me something i'm not.

i read my old blogs and diaries, and i thought to myself, i'm was such a normal person. going to the same school, meeting with the same people everyday had made me who i am back there. i was laughing at myself when i read stuff i wrote for the guy who i had a crush on in highschool. there were poems, really, really, bad poetry. and there were pictures and stuff inside my diary, and it made me felt good reading them. but seriously, i had such a bad handwriting that i couldn't read most of them. whenever i started writing about something, it would usually come out soft and refine, until i reached the point where i couldn't channel my thoughts properly onto the paper and i started crying blablabla. lol. there were tears inside my diary. HAHA.

seriously, who was i before this? it's like someone else wrote them and not me. it's so squishy and innocent and honest, it made me feel that i'm such a rotten human being now! xD

this was written on February 20, 2008. have fun reading! xD

that’s funny.. i gave the exact same advice to someone before..

i always thought that i have a clear concept for love. for me, love was simple. a girl and a boy who has special relationship. what kind of relationship? they care for one another, understand each other well, and don’t keep secrets from one another. they enjoy each other’s company, being the best of friends. i believe everyone has the same concept of love as me, until they find one for themselves. then. everything changes.

he was unlike me. we are like two separate things, entirely different people. it’s like one of those things that shouldn’t ever be. but well, shinigamis and hollows are different too, but i guess that’s not the point. i’m just an average girl, trying to get through life by having good grades, because that’s all i can do. he was not the study type, and well, it’s safe to say that he does everything that i wouldn’t ever, ever thought about doing. how did we found each other you might ask? how can the earth and sky meet?

the rain. well, it’s not like we actually met in the rain, i’m just using the rain as a metaphor. only the rain can connect the earth and the sky. rain can be quite unpredictable. it might says sunny in the weather forecast but you’ll end end up staying indoors for the day. the rain can be quite unpredictable nowadays..

he said he wanted to know me. i’m not quite sure why. i’m just so plain. boring even. i do what i do, mainly boring stuff, always been seen with my small group of friends, (aka the nerds and geeks), totally safe from the evil clutches of orochimaru. what? i mean bad influences, or so i thought. yes, i do have an outgoing friend which i really enjoyed being with. she brought out the hollow side of me. it was fun.

back to him. i never saw him in school, and i don’t have a clue on what he looks like. weird huh? it’s just proves that i’m a total nerd. he kept avoiding me, so he gave me the ‘good boy so shy impression’. haha, he really did. i don’t remember the details but i finally got a glimpse of him. he was alright, for he he’s kinda cute. for a nerd’s point of view that is.. come to think of it, i have this strange regret for leaving my primary school. why? because all of my old classmates especially boys was more eye-catching than any school i have attended. it’s just a little survey.. i’m not that shallow, alright? besides, i’m only a girl..

high school was tough. studying is a nightmare. friends became backstabber. but i don’t really mind. i’m not good at keeping grudges. that’s why when i have the chance to kill, i’ll kill. it’s just bad luck for you if you caught me in a bad time. but so far, i pretty much have things under control, so don’t worry. with so many things going on, i decided not to take things seriously. simply put, i put him on hold. but he could always disconnect the call and call someone else. i was too blinded to see or care..

it was a regular friend over phone relationship. i never did talked to him face to face. i rarely talked to him at all. sometimes we just sms, ‘how’s it going?’, etc. nothing special what so ever. i don’t see him as a friend, either. i was hard to talk to him. the indifference was just too much that we have no common ground to stand on. the day was just too sunny for the rain to fall.

then, it happen. out of stupidity, i was seeing someone else, unintentionally. and it was torture. i never knew such humans existed. i’ve never planned to go anywhere with this dude, but he kept pushing me, calling me a liar. he was like a nightmare to me. i was confused, and i cursed myself everyday for being too nice of a person. i was never that social, and the last thing on my mind was to give someone a false hope. i was misunderstood, and the dude took advantage of that. i broke down and gave him my heart, while my heart was clearly uncertain, which something any human should never do. of course i never wanted to be with him, and how i wished i had broke up with him, but guilt was holding me back. i was so stupid to let myself in that situation. please don’t judge me. i can do it myself.

for the next few months, it was torture. it was hell. a boy like him sure knows how to manipulate minds and hearts. and like a cherry on top of a poison ice-cream, i saw him, the boy i put on hold, walking home everyday with another girl. the world was falling on me. from that moment, i knew that i have lost my heart. i have no feelings. no guilt. no regret. emotions make humans blind. and i didn’t want to be blinded anymore. from that day, i was empty. my heart was hollow.

i finally got the courage to broke up with the boy. after that, the world became silent.

after a short while, i realized something. i’ve always been a good person. i never did anything bad. i hardly hang out with my friends. i was always good. but why does this happen to me? the world was unfair. i finally decided. i’m not going to do something stupid unintentionally. i want to do something stupid on my own will, so i won’t have to regret life. and that’s exactly what i did.

somehow, he and i got close. we started to sms one another more often, talking about stuff. he told me who he really was, what he did, what life he’s been living in. he finally told me that he never had anything special with the girl he always walks home with. he confessed that he was still waiting for me, after all this years. i really was blind. he was always there for all these time, and i stupidly chose to torture myself. i lost myself. for one last time, i gave all that’s left of my heart to him, believing that things are gonna be alright from that day onward..

a few months has passed, but there wasn’t much change. still no common ground. awkward conversation was still there. out paths was still different, and i doubt it will cross on another. but i didn’t cared about it that much. he was with me. and that’s all there is to it.

it was weird. we didn’t go out that much. we barely see each other in school. it crossed my mind once that maybe he was hiding me from his friends. but i didn’t care. i trust him.

spm examination was around the corner. to me, spm was like a key to an unseen door connecting me into the future. i may have the key, but finding the right door can be difficult. i started to think about the future. when will i go from here? will he always be at my side? it seemed impossible. our paths will never cross. and that is the sad truth. the rain will never fall.

after the exam, things was pretty calm. we still didn’t go out that much. he was busy working. my mind kept going on, thinking what will become of us. will it work out? after the results are out, i may be going somewhere to further my studies. surely he can’t always be there for me. uncertainty. that’s what i’m feeling. regret was chasing me again. did i made a mistake? i thought i was doing the right thing. how can this be? but i never got the nerve to tell him. he never did anything bad to me. it would be unfair if i break up with him. he cared for me, and never keeps secrets from me. if i break up with him, i’ll be making him go through the same thing as i did. i just don’t have the heart to do that to him..

last night, i found someone. a total stranger. i chat with him for an hour or so. and i told him everything. and he made me feel so much better. he’s advice was for me to talk to him about all my worries. come clean. i was kinda dumbfounded. that was the exact same advice i gave to a friend of mine not too long ago. it’s true that i don’t listen to my own advice.

now.. to figure out how..

//buek.

So what?

"tak nak potong rambut ke? dah macam kene gigit tikus dah.."

"potong la macam kakak tu.."

"kenapa nak kene potong macam kakak?"

"bukan kena potong macam kakak, just potong straight cut je, macam kakak.."

( -_-")

macam kakak la tu kan? haiz.

she's so proud of her. why? because my sister is a stewardess. she has such a good paying job and gets to travel the world. ah~ what a perfect job that is. it's easy for mom to gloat about sis in front of her friends. dammit of course i'm jealous. i've been sitting like a useless bump in this house for far too long that my own family starts to get irritated by me. and to make matter worst, i'm getting irritated by them too! seeing mom being so happy when talking about sister's glamorous career and her experiences while flying TICKS ME OFF. huh.. i guess what i'm feeling right now is some sort of sibling rivalry.

my brother is 26 years old.

my sister is 24 years old.

i'm STILL 19 years old.

my little bro is 15 years old.

a five year age different isn't the only thing that sets me and her apart. i'm just different in every possible way there is when people compare us both. she's pretty, with a smile to die for, perfect teeth, perfect eyes, perfect lashes, perfect nose, perfect etc. she's a bit darker that i'm but then again i'm not that fair anyway so. she's popular with her friends, she knows exactly what to say and when to say it, she sings, she dances, she took up arts, she took up photography, she has tons of boyfriends, and she has been, and always will be, my dad's favorite among all his children. (it shows, ok?) but she's my sister, and i damn well know about her past. let's just say that she's the perfect opposite of me. but uh. she's my sister, so of course she's a girl. (does this mean i have to turn manly? -_-")

sure, mom and her didn't see eye to eye at first. i mean, there was once a time where mom and dad fight a lot because of her. she did so many things that i didn't, but still, everything turn out okay for her. i'm not suggesting that it's a good thing to do bad stuff when ur young, it's just that i've been reminiscing about my past years and not once did i've don't anything 'exciting.' and now that i'm reaching the last of my teenage years, i couldn't help but to be sorry for myself. sobs. i should've join budak2 rempit tu dulu. haha. (not really, they gross me out -_-")

and now, when everything is said and done, my sister is living quite a life. she brought home the third 'calon menantu' for my parents to meet recently, and if all goes well, maybe they'll tie the knot soon. (notice the word 'third' and 'maybe' i used in that sentence.) but somehow i've benefited from some of her big shot friends. one of them did paid for my rm80 hair cut. owh. cut sahaja, ok? x basuh pun. somehow, i prefer to be on the bright side of things. *snicker*

owh. what was the point of me writing tadi? uh.. yes. mom wants me to be more like my glamorous sister. yeaaaahhh riiitee... because i'm not good enough for being what i am right now. maybe i'll just drop all of my studies and be more like her. like seriously. it's not that hard to do things when ur blessed with the correct genes. i didn't get ur glamorous genes mom, so i have to study hard. ( -_-") thanks for feeding me Sustagen because seriously i think there's something good in that milk's formula. haizzz......................

no i don't want to cut my hair like her. in fact, the real truth is that she copied my hair style from last year la. ;P i wanna dye my hair, cut my bangs into weird shapes and have 13 piercings ALL OVER ME.

just being myself, right? :D

(i felt normal when writing this.)

And.

you wanna know why i blog? because i'm lonely and i don't have anyone to talk to. sad, isn't it? *sobs* as pathetic as it seems, it's the truth. whenever i wanna have a pointless chat, i realised that i don't really have anyone who would gladly listen. i'm not saying that i don't have any friends, obviously because i do have them  and i love them soo ~♥ ♥ ♥ but, the truth is, i don't think ANYONE would have the tolerance to put up with my *coughweirdnismcough* because even I am sick of myself. am i making sense here? anyways, don't mine me so much cuz this may be just one of my dramatic moments where i get super bored with everything and will eventually lead to the deletion of this blog and all of my social networking websites accounts. but it'll pass. somehow. haiz.

so, what would i write here. hmm.

just now, i've read one of my favourite shoujo. title: "Ku Impi Euphoria Cinta Kita" by Ozaki Ira. leave the title alone, please. the first story is about a boy and a girl who have been in love for 1/3 of their life time. they decided that it is the best for the two of them to separate as they have both been accepted to different universities. in the beginning, both of them carried on as nothing had happen. but as time goes by, the girl started to feel the large gap that the boy had left in her heart. she couldn't do anything right. she had been together with that boy for such a long time that she doesn't know how to act when he's not there. in one of the scene, she encountered a cute little girl in a train who gave her a piece of candy. she was so excited about it that she took out her phone to text the boy.  when she was about to send it, she stopped. she thought that since both of them are regular friends now, she shouldn't send him such an insignificant text message. she sat in the train dumbfounded.

and with that, i am convinced that i shouldn't be sending pointless text messages to my friends so chose to blog instead. i mean, some of them do read my rantings here. right? and why would i text someone when i can blog for free? ngh. another pathetic attempt to console myself.

FLASHBACK.

i remembered that one night at casa in unit 09-XX. the night before the prom night. Zaty, Rahael, Gkah, Radhwa and Atikah. we were sitting in the living room watching this 'Mary Shaw' movie in conjuction with the "Burn-Marshmallow-in-a-Multi-Purpose-Cooker" Party. we were talking about stuff, when someone brought up the 'How Much do You Know About Your Friend's Siblings?' Game. it was a suprisingly competitive game and a sucked at it. i only know something vaguely, like i know that Zaty isn't a first born, and she definitely has younger siblings. haiz. i really wish i had taken the initiative to really get to know my friends. T.T but suprisingly, most of them thought that i'm a first born / only child. Gkah was so suprised to know that i have a brother and sister and a younger brother.

her face was like this:   ( O_O )


and when i tried to pull her leg and told her that i have a twin, the expression didn't change at all.

"aku x dapat bayangkan kalau ada lagi sorang Intan."

i just had to LOL. if there is, in some weird turn of events another Intan in this world, then it would be HELL. which is funny because i used to wish that i had a friend just like me so i can share whatever hobby i have with her. now i realise, another Intan would just mean misery. i'm such a emo ball. rolling around leaving emo trails. and i don't really have a talent for anything. i'm just a waste of space and resource. sorry mom. >.< i'm really attracted to people who do things spontaneously, out-going and alll in all a ball of sunshine! not an emo cloud like me. -_-|| so far, i had found 2 of them. one when i was back in highschool, and one is in college. unfortunately, the sunshine ball that i found recently is going through a, should i say, an eclipse, and is now, not much of a sunshine lately. -_-|| and yes, i'm pointing at you, Nikki Loliritz!

what happened to the old ball of sunshine u might ask? let's just say that she has another solar system to take care of in a galaxy far, far away~

i wish i could be my own ball of sunshine.

and now, let's move on to my wacky dreams!

haveu ever dreamt about someone u have never knew before? someone whom u have never heard about, let alone someone who u didn't know exist? i did, and i dream about him twice in two consequtive nights. he had such a significant presence in my dreams, and eventhough i don't see his face, i know it's him. the first dream i had about him is about him hating me after liking me for such a long time. the second dream is him toying with my feelings when he clearly knows that i was kinda like in love with him. -_-|| i got the impression of him being younger than me, and i remembered him mocking me because i have lazy eyes, and i remebered something about a blog.. hmmm.. a clue maybe? a clue to what i wonder -_-||. owh yes, i just like to think about stuff like this cuz i had plenty of time on my hands right now.

i wanna go to college. being in the same house as my family only leads to them getting angry with me.

NANANA.

eh. eh. nak mampus ke?

haiz. all this waiting has finally got to my head. seriously. i need to get out of this house pronto. gegegege. my mind has finally crashed. i'm not talking crazy stuff here. i mean, there's one time where i can call myself crazy and be okay with it. and now, i don't think i should be calling myself crazy cuz i feel like i really AM crazy. not the happy crazy. the deranged lunatic kind of crazy. my head is hurting now. owh. i was cleaning up some books in my room, and this one hell of a thick book fell. and when i tried to pick it up, my heart actually skipped a beat when i saw "CALIBRATION GRAPH". what the hell was that? i got scared and actually look through my chemistry text book just to calm myself down. and guess what? it didn't made me feel any better and i got more and more paranoid. like what the hell is this? can i actually be out of my mind? owh i'm thinking too much.

where's that jar of nutella.

Sigh.

fucking backstabber. i should have cut all ties with u when i left.

it's been a long time since i've felt betrayed. thanks for reminding me of how it's supposed to feel like. i thought keeping a few friends from my past couldn't bring much of a harm. but nah. i guess humans are all the same.

i realized something else today. i like to have my friends organized in some manner. LOL. i was cleaning up my Facebook friends lists and i kinda sorted them in these few categories:

1) Comic Fiesta
2) Fan Page
3) Friendster
4) Kuman Kuman Manje
5) Randoms
6) SMKBB
7) Taylor's

note: my random list is for people who i don't really know but have quite a few common friends with me. until i can place him/her in the appropriate category, him/her will stay under the random tag. if not, then i'll simply reject them. and yeah, my randoms list is always empty since i like ignoring friend requests immediately after i get one :D

get this. i am not comfortable seeing odd links. sometimes, i could see that some of my friends are connected in someway. like, this person belongs to this particular group, but is also friends with this person in another group, and like, go to college together or something. and. there was this one time, i was stalking this person on facebook, and i got really interested with my findings, that i stalked this person's myspace as well. and i got interested with this person's friends, so i stalked them too. a few weeks afterward, i stalked another person on facebook (i didn't even added this person LOL) who is my college mate and i saw this picture with an extremely familiar background. and in that picture is some girl who is the friend of friend of a friend of the first person i mentioned earlier! it freaked the hell out of me! and the chance of the second person knowing the first person is absolutely zero. i know, i checked.

it's kinda amusing how people can connect with one another.

in another note, i am so not thrilled of having the little sister of my sister in law marrying one of my cousin. dream on. haven't u contributed enough to my family gene pool? =_=; what a slut.

Hunger.

i have reached that age. the age where my mom has absolutely no idea of what is going through my head - and absolutely no way of finding out.

i have been kinda mean towards my family members in the last few weeks. actually, the word 'cold' suits better. i'm not irritated by them or anything, but sometimes, i acted like i am. i even hated the tone of my voice when i'm talking to my parents. (maybe i'm PMS-ing =_=||) nonetheless, i have acted fairly cold to everyone in my family for as long as i can remember so i guess they've gotten over it. OR DID THEY?

anyway, something happen. my mom got superbly mad at me for a reason beyond my comprehension. i thought it was like another 'stress-out from work' episode, but when my mom cried while telling my dad about how bad of a child i have been, i was like, wth. =_=|| WHAT EXACTLY DID I DO???? nghh. as i suspected, it's the same reason as i stated earlier. she said i was cold to her because of the 'asam boi' incident. OHWEE. the reason was so friggin stupid that i just can't accept it.

BUT SHE IS MY MOM AND WHEN SHE SAY SHE IS OFFENDED BY SOMETHING I DID IT MUST HAVE BEEN MY FAULT so I'LL TAKE THE BLAME LIKE WHAT A GOOD DAUGHTER SUPPOSED TO DO. fine.

she ignored me for a day eventhough i tried to make things up with her. WHERE'S THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?? O_O i spend the entire night thinking about it and when i can't find any rational and logical answer, and cried out of frustration. human emotions are over-rated. she is so stressed-out with work that i can't understand why she chose me to vent it all out. owh wait, maybe she hates me for not being good enough for her. I AM ALWAYS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. from there, suicidal thoughts came out popping and i gave myself a hard slap on the face and continued crying until i fell asleep. :D

the next day, i confronted her and straight out apologized since the indirect method weren't working. there was some drama yada bla blargh~ but it came out alright. in that moment, i felt like i had lost something. i have finally lost my innocence. i seriously felt like there's some ugly demon inside of me. i asked mom for forgiveness, but the demon said this to me. "why are u apologising? was it really ur fault for all of this too happen? why don't u blame ur mom for not understanding what u felt?". and another part of me told me, "whatever, just get this over with. SHE IS UR MOM, so no point dragging this lame drama forever." and just like that, i don't feel like doing something out of pure sincerity anymore. i'll stop and question every single move i make, and i will always be like this until someone can show me what sincerity really means.

the only act of sincerity i can acknowledge right now is everything that has to do with God.

owh, and while the drama i mentioned took place, mom said this overwhelmingly, oddest, strangest thing to me.

"you want me to treat u as a grown up, but u have never once showed me that u are one."

=_=||

mom. i have never, ever, in my 20 years old of living, asked u to treat me as an adult. why does she assume all of this? i'm guessing that she watched too many dramas. yes. that is the only explaination. it has the exact same weird vibe as when she acted like she knows all my friends. yes, my family knows absolutely nothing about  me. i do feel like a stranger living in this house. oneday, if i ever ran-away from home, i bet my mom wouldn't have a single clue of where i could've gone to. :D strangely enough, i don't feel like wanting her to understand me. ever since that incident, i'll close myself off for good.

yeah, i may look dumb, i'll always wear this blur look on my face, i may stutter when i talk, i may be awful at conversations, my grade will always be not good enough, i may not be pretty, i may not have the finest of clothes and gadgets, i may have horrible teeth, i may have small boobs, i may have an ugly nose, i may have ugly skin, i may have fat legs, i may have flabby arms, but i'm all that, and perhaps a little bit more.

i have my own world.

whatever happens, i'll love my family unconditionally. i promise.

Tolerance.

i just realised my posts are getting shorter and shorter! :D

is that a good thing or a bad thing?

i usually would have a lot say when i'm upset about something. so, does that mean that i'm happy right now? NO. i'm probably just lazy. =_=|| my keyboards hates me as well. the damned space-bar keeps getting stuck. i swear, i'm gonna get this laptop fixed for good next week. i will personally deliver it to the shop, and explained every single thing i hate about this laptop so that he could fix it for me. yeah, last year when i told my dad about my keyboard that was missing some letters, he told me he'll take it for a repair job. well, he did took it to the shop,but when the repairman said it would cost him rm 200 something, he changed his mind - and bought me a USB keyboard for rm 30. =_=||i'm totally fine with the fact that he refuses to repair my laptop since it's kinda expensive, but there's absolutely NO NEED for him to buy that keyboard. i don't understand my dad. maybe this is what they call the generation gap problem thingie.

yeah. over time, this laptop is getting sicker and sicker, and before it's too late, i might as well do some major tune up to this old laptop. owh, i think my mom should have finished paying off the loan she took to buy me this laptop. xD WAIT. she didn't bought this laptop just for me. she bought one for my brother and one for my sister. but when brother got a laptop from his office, this laptop was used by my mother. and when i got into college, then i was appointed as the official owner. until this very day. :D wah~ a laptop's autobiography! xD but sadly, somehow, somewhere, this laptop has picked up a gynourmous amount of viruses and shit. i have installed 3 different anti virus programmes (one at each time), got rid of various of useless junk and all, but still, my laptop is infested with germs. it's so BLOODY slow that if u don't have the patience to tolerate the slow loading of even the simplest programme such as WINDOWS (not INTERNET!) explorer, i'm sure u'd probably hang urself dead. imagine staring at a clean desktop for about 5 friggin minutes just for mozilla to start up. yeah, five minutes might no seem like an awful lot of time, but GUHHHH!!! i mean, the thing hasn't even connected to the internet yet! the situation is far worst when i'm browsing through the web. FACEBOOK? every page i opened will freeze up. it freezes even when i click the red thing on the bottom right of the page. another 5 minutes lost just to wait for it to unfreeze, and then load. and i can't click stuff sesuka hati! the window will freeze up, and this time it'll take more than 5 minutes for it to unfreeze. sometimes when i tried to like, wake it up, it turns blurry and then - not responding. even the task manager gets freeze attack when i tried to make stuff go unfreeze! i mean, is this a laptop or a fucking freezer? =_=|| alas, i still love this laptop. i bought a new dress (skin) for it recently. i would love to upload it, but i just can't. xD sakit jiwe aku nanti. after i dressed it up good, i've been taking it to bed every night just cause i'm in love with it. ;P

will buy myself an external hard disk this Monday. :D

and i'm still waiting for a letter from my bloody sponsor. speed it up, will ya? =_=||

there.

i tried stalking him on facebook. tapi x jumpa. ahaha~

EAT.

i have eating disorder! :D

i'm obsessed with being skinny and seeing skinny people pisses the hell out of me. :D people keep telling me that i'm skinny enough already, but i'm not. :D i have severe stretch marks all over me. and my arms are flabby and i have fat legs. :D

so now i'm eating one meal per day, strictly no junk food. but i do eat some occasional chocolates when i felt like dying due to exhaustion. i don't feel hungry. i just feel tired. sometimes i have black outs while doing the simplest of house chores. i skip break fast and lunch and a tiny bit of dinner just cause my parents are home during that time and i was forced to sit together and eat with them. :D

this diet started in the middle of last month and guess what? i dun feel any skinniER. so i'm taking this diet to a next level: EXERCISE! xD i have my weird exercise routine that u wouldn't want to know about! but now my body aches all over but it's alright! :D

let's give obsession a new definition! :D

CHAYAYAYA!

HAK! this may be my earliest post that i have ever made in one day! :D (i should be sleeping like a log rite now.) but since i decided to wait for the postman since there's a package coming, i might as well NOT sleep - meaning - i haven't slept at all since last night. :D

so now i'm feeling superbly hyper! yay! :D

so, what package am i waiting for? it's a secret. ;D but not for long cuz imma show it off soon. if it turns out to be as what i expected, then i would be superbly happy. if not, well, imma ask for a refund! :D i'm suppose to go to the post office today, but i have to wait for the post man first. sorry ya nikki. i know u wanted THAT thing before Wednesday ie tomorrow. ;P

come on encik posman! faster! faster! :D

Recycle.

i saw my ex a few nights before. at least i think it's him. we were out on a family dinner with a close friend of the family and i kinda accidentally stared at one of the waiter. and unfortunately enough, it just HAD to be my ex. mengong. i didn't really eat the roti canai i ordered cuz i was scared if he had put a curse in it or something. :P whatever it is, i'm glad his my ex now. GYAHAHAHAHA!

my life is quite monotonous now.

i'm looking forward to watching nodame: final.

and i started to reuse the pururin ring tone just cause it made me so happy. :D

Sorry.

i wish i am a cute 5 year old girl who understood the world.

why u might ask? because i wanna make a scene. i'll find a nearest train station and make a threat to kill myself. if u don't stop all this nonsense, i swear i'll kill myself. i'll kill myself out of shame. please just stop all this fucked up stupid argument. i feel ashamed to call myself a Muslim if this goes on. i'm scared to go out of the house and i'm scared of people judging me because of my religion. i'm so ashamed that if it'll make the world a somewhat better place, i'm more than willing to be a sacrifice. a sacrifice of the stupidity of those people who call themselves, 'Muslims'.

suicide is never a way out for a grown adult with a working mind. that is why i wish i'm a cute 5 year old girl who understood the world. :)

but what can the present me do? i guess all i can do is to offer my sincerest apologies. please hate me if u must. please. just don't hate the rest of the Muslims.

Tadaa!

omedetou to myself for launching this new blog! xD

well, it's not exactly new. i had the feeling that i absolutely must change everything!

i still love my old url though. so i'm gonna keep it for stuff. xD

The end.

oh hye!

i'm taking this blog down soon.

i decided to register another blog using a different e-mail.

(i have too many e-mails that i confused myself.)

leave a comment if u like to follow my endless rambling. :)

thank you.

Sci-fi.

ahh! i better write down my epic dreams i had before i forget them!

it's like this, i was going to places with my family. then, i went separate ways from them since i wanna buy stuff for myself. yes, i wanted to shop for some new clothes, but since the clothes were kinda expensive, i had to sneak away in order to but them or else my mom would get mad. xP i bought 3 cute one-pieces, and they were uber cute. they were super cute!! CUTE FTW!!! after paying, i hid the dresses in my bag, and when i reached the car, i folded the dresses into a red comforter. i don't know what's a comforter doing in the car in the first place, but whatever.

then! i was reunited with my friends! woohoo! i was so happy to see them. suddenly, there was this strange rumor going on about some strange organization that is trying to carry out some underground human cloning. in some weird turn of events, i found out that some of my friends are clones! but there is a reason behind this. they were clones because they were suffering some terminal diseases of defects. and they only way to save their lives was to clone themselves - but remove the defects first of course. but they have to keep all this cloning stuff a secret because if the society finds out, they will be considered as an abomination to the rest of mankind.

i followed my clone friends to their secret lair, and i get to see all the cloning technologies that were used. i even get to see a cloning process! i hated my teeth and fat limbs, so the doctor offered to clone me. he said the process wold take up to 6 hours. i was anxious at first, because i haven't told my mom that i left home. it's was 6:00 pm and if i were to clone myself, it'll take up to midnight to complete. so what am i supposed to do? so i called my mom, saying that i may be home late. surprisingly, she gave a green light. xD so i cloned myself! :D

i get to fix my hideous teeth, and i don't have any excess fats. i was so happy. suddenly, the doctor told me that the whole cloning operation was found out by the government, and they were shutting it down for good. the clones, including myself were turned fugitives! i had to leave home, and fight for my survival. we, the clones, to refuge is some old shopping complex. nggh. we took shelter in a public surau. clones have faith in God too, ya know? but this evil government people won't leave us alone. the hunt for us day and night without rest. one by one, my clone friends were caught, and then neutralized. yes, they were killed without question. soon, only three of us were left. one night, the government put out an all out clone extermination. the three of us were hiding in a clothing store. i hid myself under some hanging clothes. the last two of my friends were discovered, and was taken away. i cried by myself under those pile of clothes. the soldiers sensed me, and search the store again, and found me. the dragged me out, an administered some weird radioactive drug that would kill me in minutes.

as i were dying, i sang. i sang about all the good times i had. one of the soldier was touched. he convinced the rest of the government people to give the clones a chance to live. i was happy, but since all of my friends are already DEAD, there's no reason for me to live anyway. "it doesn't matter. all that's matter is that ur here." that is what he said to me. he saved me, and that, is the end of my little sci-fi adventure. :D

Lain Pintu Lain Kunci.

erm. i feel so sad looking at my blog just now. let's ramble away! :D

so what would be my melancholy of the day?

my mom said that i'm selfish towards my friends. i'm not gonna deny it, nor do i want to acknowledge it. strictly because, my mom doesn't know any of my friends. when i first heard that, i was seriously shocked. what could she possibly know about my friends. hmm. but i could blame her for not knowing. i didn't tell her anything about everything that's going on through out my life LOL. but i wasn't trying to hide it. i mean, i do talk to her about casual things, but sometimes, she seems so indifferent about it so i kinda lost interest about telling her anything. :P

but i'll talk when i want to. so don't force things out of me. a week before the result came in, biasa la. i was totally emo and my pillow were soaked with my tears cuz i cry myself to sleep. so it's no wonder that my eyes would be like uber puffy when i wake up. but i always manage to cover it up somehow. unfortunately, there was this one day that my mom kinda forced me to wake up cuz we need to get somewhere, and i really wasn't prepared. so i stepped out of my room with this extremely puffy eyes and i kinda had totally forgotten about it. my mom was shocked and asking me "are u okay?" and "u can talk to me if u have any problems" etc. that made me teared up that i wanted to fessed up every little frustration, guilt, doubt to her. BUT. i didn't. she seems so worried that i actually felt guilty for crying myself to sleep. i mean, if i had worked harder in the past, i wouldn't be so frustrated in the first place, desho? and what could she possibly do? the result is coming out regardless. a normal human would be relieved to have their parents listen to their insecurity, but somehow, i won't be pleased.

but, to have one's parents worry about them after seeing one's gloriously puffy eyes, hmmm. i guess i should consider myslef lucky. regardless.

ah, today i received an interesting text from one of my friends. (yeah, this is related to the 'selfishness' issue i brought up earlier.) she was asking me for some advice - on how to console a friends who had just broke up with her boyfriend.

Friend : ***, cm ne nk tnangkn kwn y tgh frust putus cinta..
Reply : Er. Carikan bf lain? xP ko ke yg putus? -_-||
Friend : Bkan aq lah. Kwn aq. Cm ne aq nk wat ha?

Guess what i replied? :P

first, let us examine the purpose of the question. i could be that her friend is really the one with the problem, but there is another possibility - which i had cleared up with my first reply. knowing that she won't lie, i trusted her second reply because i know her better than any of u bwahahahaha!! ehem. the humorous tone should cheer anyone up, and to lighten the situation a bit.

to synthesis my reply, i had to analyze the scope of the question. honestly, this question's scope is too wide. i mean, she should just give an honest advice to her friend that she obviously know better than me - a complete stranger in this case. sorry to say, but she also had a few share of first hand experience on this matter, so she should be the one who could come up with the right words to say, kan? let's say that she wants to ask me of a GENERAL advice that anyone could give to anyone that is going through the same thing as her friend - by right, i wouldn't have a right words to say, not now, not in a million years. what side of 'GENERAL' are u trying to poke here? there are always two sides of everything, and if i were asked to give out an opinion, i couldn't possibly be satisfied by stating a one-sided argument - which is the main reason i couldn't take part in a debate. (it bugs the hell out of me.)

owh. anyway, i will always try my best to produce an answer that is always acceptable to one's perception. in this case, it would be for her friend's interest.

My reply : Erm. tgk la kawan ko macam mane dulu.. kalo yg lembut tu, erm, slow talk la.. kumbang bukan seko.. kalo mamat tu yg tinggalkan dia, mamat tu la hampas.. blargh~ keluarkan la segala ayat novel jiwang yg ko baca..

tapi kalo yg keras, ko basuh la pulak.. nk study ke nk becinta? hoho~

and guess what? she didn't reply me afterward. i must have done something wrong! gasp. :P maybe she was offended with my last sentence since she herself is in a relationship, or maybe she ran out of credits, or maybe she just didn't feel like replying. if it's really because that she was offended, i'll pretend not to know why, because the advice i gave is not for her, it's for her friend. possibly, i would've gave a different advice if she was the one who had her heart broken.

my honest opinion, huh? -_-||

am i human?

MIAU.

OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED MY NEW YEAR'S POST! T3T

curse u streamyx.

nghh. i'm not gonna blab much.

this is just for the sake of posting on the first day of 2010. haha~

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEEPS. ;D

thanks for reading.