Sweat.

when i feel like i'm lucky, there's always people who are luckier than me.
when i don't feel lucky, there's always people who have it worse.

two extremes in one continuum.

1st scenario:

my result doesn't pass the requirement. i got around 70.00, which totally suck cuz i need 85.00. i'll cry my eyes out until my mom and dad starts being 'them'. they'll freak out, and they probably give me some tongue-lashing, deep heart-to-heart talk, then we all gonna cry together. they will interogate me, asking an awfully lot of questions, which i will not have the answer to. 'WHY?' i'm just too dumb. there're somethings in life that i can do, and somethings that i can't do. either way, i can't quit life that easily. (i thought about this logically.) as long as i have faith, maybe, just maybe things would turn out okay. hopefully. if, let's say that i do not have the qualification to further my studies under the sponsorship of the ever generous MARA under the same scheme that i was before, i am still eligible for a loan. i would not like it if my parents opt for a plea. I DO NOT WANT THAT. it's not ego or anything, but it's just SHAME. if i'm not qualified that i am not qualified. i can understand that and why can't u?. u guys want me to pass this cuz u guys want to gloat to ur friends right? i know, it's a parent thing. the i-am-proud-of-my-offsprings-achievements-it-proves-that-we've-good-parenting-skills syndrom. I KNOW. IT'S THE TRUTH. i am not the one who spreads my OWN uncertain fairytail to all ur friends. u did that URSELVES. i am the one to blame. I AM ALWAYS THE ONE TO BE BLAMED FOR MY OWN MISTAKES. so throw bricks at me until ur satisfied so i'll lose all of my stupid old memories and i can begin life anew, without regrets. but, being rational, i guess i'll have the plausible choice i have is to get myself into MMU. what course? idk. i dun care. chasing dreams is a foolish thing to do. so i'll give upo on my dreams and take on whatever that is left of it. so. that is my plan that i guess i'll try to stick with. NO I WILL NOT GET MYSELF INTO A CERTAIN COLLEGE THAT THE PERSON I DESPISE THE MOST IS GOING TO. AND NO I WILL TRY NOT TO GO TO THE SAME COLLEGE AS MY SISTER WENT. applying for taylor's as a private student would be nice, but, my parents won't allow it. T3T i understand.

2nd scenario:

my result passed the requirement. i barely made it though, around 85.01. -_-|| life would be all sparkling. mom would love me. dad would love me. mom will get me a new phone, dad will buy me cakes and chocolates. lagi bagus, dad would hold a kenduri for me. then i could invite my friends over. we'll laugh together again. mom will praise me, and they will all look so happy. nenek happy. atuk happy. then i can get to the same college that i love so much. i'll get to see some familiar faces, and lay my plans into action. of course, i'll have to break my neck for the next exam that is coming, put up with assigments and all, but i wouldn't have it any other way. owh, my two year plan. owh happiness. but why do i feel that this second scenario is too far-fetched? owh. cuz i guess it'll never gonna happen.

3rd scenario:

i'll die somewhere along the way. so i wouldn't need to see my results. and i wouldn't have to put up with all this bullshit. \(^0^)/

ah. that is just my life.

in another news, my purse mysteriously disappeared inside my own house. my IC, my BankCard of that sort is gone. i can't recall the last time i saw it, but i do remember stuffing some rm1 notes into it. i was rushing cuz mom was nagging, then i do not recall anything after that. oh wait. i'll check the cars tomorrow. there's a slight probability that it's inside the car, but then again, dad had probably brought them out for a wash, so. -_________-||

i have checked every nook of the house, i even stuck my hands inside the sofa. LOL. (and cut my hands cuz there was a knife in there wtf).

i am also missing my SACE exam pin which i need to log myself in so i can check my result online. owh. to a distant foreigner that happens to read this, my result will be out somewhere next week. i am so frustrated by the fact that i kept losing things that are so important to me. (suddenly remembers about my shiny watch.) i do dream of it sometimes. T____T i'm too depressed thinking about all of this stuff. mom and dad are giving me the cold shoulders cuz i lost my pursue in my own house. yes. i know i need to lodge a police report. if u guys don't want to do it then don't. i'll take care of it myself. the way dad phrase it makes me feel like i'm such a burden to him. i don't treat him nice enough. but i love him. it was his birthday on the first of december. he was kinda in a bad mood so i don't know when to wish him. dah la ada kenduri arway mommy kat banda hilir hari tu. i get so confused. the next day, my mom said something sarcastically, implying that i didn't even wish my dad his birthday. but i wanted to. it's exactly this kind of things that make me cry every night before i go to sleep, cuz i fear that if i wake up the next morning, i won't see them again. yesterday, mom was saying that she scolded dad for wanting to eat my bar of chocolate. she says that if she let him ate it, i would be like terasa hati cuz the bar of chocolate hasn't been opened yet. i feel so guilty. of course i won't be like terasa hati or something. he was the one who bought me all the chocolates before this! so i bought the same bar of chocolate. i was planning to give it to him as a birthday present. then i'll get to wish him happy birthday too. but he was such in a bad mood today that i couldn't give him the chocolate. he was kinda upset about me losing my purse inside the house, and that he 'tak kuasa' wants to lodge in a report - in a way that i feel like he's saying that i'm such a burden to him. i know he didn't mean it that way, but the damage is already done. i'm crying for all the stupid reasons, and i don't have anyone that i could talk too. it's just hard to be a human like this. i don't wanna get hurt but trivial things, but that's just it. i do get hurt from this. it makes me feel weak to whine about such thing, but, i guess i am weak. i can't possibly make it through life like this. i don't know. i know nothing. i'm a burden. i'm useless. what good am i if i can't even make my own parents happy? anyways.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPA. YA SAYANG PAPA.

and for the 12 of December,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA. YA SAYANG MAMA.