Private Thoughts.

i don't write as much nowadays because of three reasons, apart from the usual laziness and other distractions. let's get straight down to it shall we?

1) Twitter
i used to write the most random thoughts that i have on my blog. in case you haven't notice, i don't write stuff on my blog for the sake of the readers, (well i don't have that many people reading anyway) i tend to talk to myself and sort out my thoughts. but now that i can vent out most of my trivial thoughts on twitter, i can avoid from writing lengthy sentences (like what i'm doing now) and just write down whatever i want in a very concise manner, under 140 characters. if 140 characters could not accommodate my thoughts, i would just need to tweet a few more posts. everything that i do, every little thing that pops in mind day in and day out would be listed on my twitter. so there's not much material i could work with in order to write a blog post thanks to Twitter.

2) People
it is fun to have someone to talk to about your day so you won't have to reflect on your day so much. we don't have to like the same things to get along with each other. as long as you're relevant to me, i'll let you stay. in fact, i'll make an effort so that you'll want to stay. lately i feel like i'm abandoning most of my fandom, wait scratch that, i am abandoning most of my fandoms. no real reason, i just lost interest... and maybe because i already have my hands full with other things. unlike my fandoms, this 'other' thing' will always be with me, and since i have a specific group of people to talk about this thing, i just won't blog about it.

3) Honesty
this point overlaps a little with the previous point, but it revolves more on the subject of the 'other thing' rather than the 'people'. i need to be honest to myself to write, because most of the things i write about are my thoughts and feelings. if i can't be true to myself, then the cause is lost. the sad truth is, i'm scared of being criticized and judged. different people my have known me at different stages of my life. everyone changes. i change. my friends from primary school won't recognize the me during secondary school. my friends from secondary school won't recognize the me in college and university, and so on. the sad truth of it all is, the reason why i'm concerned and anxious about how people view me is because i'm in the wrong. i am on the bad side of things. but i'm trying to get better.

just let me try and catch myself because the last thing i want is for you to put me down.

i've been wanting to come clean, to clear my conscience. but even if my conscience is clear, it won't make me innocent. after all, God is the one judging me.