It Will.

once again, i threw myself in a deep confusion. haiz~

first time raye x de abang. T3T

my brother left for Brussels early this year. owh, with his wife and my little niece, which i would careless about. serious. brother complex much? maybe. i was the little girl who would wait patiently for her brother to come home from boarding school. yup. i was the girl who would have shouted "Oniichan! oniichan~!" back then. lolz. no matter how tired he would be, he would still find sometime to play with me. hoho. actually, i would pester him until he plays with me, but i dun think such details matter.

"iya rindu kat boonat."

yesterday, my brother called kampung and all of us (his siblings + mama + papa) got to talk to him. it was awfully sad. my eyes were tearing up like crazy. i didn't have anything much to say to him (like always) and he ended up giving me lame advices that i heard a thousand times. probably gonna hear it a thousand times more. after all the drama had ended, i crawled my way up to my secret spot were my nenek always put all the matresses. there, i cried my heart out. sengal kan?

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i've noticed for a while now that i'm quite possessive. i hold dearly many things in life, and i hate changes. at first, i thought that i was only kidding myself, but it turns out that i truly am, and obsessive person. which is weird because i dun look like it. kan? =_="

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i hated when my brother got married. hated it. hating it. kirai. i want things to be as what it used to be. no outsiders. just us. one family. a family that i hold dear. and i wish my sister would never get married too. lolz. i know. this sounds childish. but i don't want things to change. peterpan complex much? maybe. i wish for time to stop. i wish tomorrow would never come. the future is scary. it is uncertain. insecurity. i'm falling apart.

i keep lotsa junk. i keep it in a special box to remind myself of the past memories. the memories which i hold so dearly. i keep stuff on my laptop, too. things such as screenshots, pictures, songs.. pictures.. ahaha.. pictures are fun. pictures are funny. somehow, today, i deleted all of those precious memories from my laptop without any second thought. i got bored of them. i kept a few. and those few pictures, i wonder, how long am i gonna keep them?

"am i a liar? am i a hypocrite?"

although those are a part of me, i erased them without hesitate. not just computer files. i erased people, too. my past friends. to be honest, i dun really wanna see them again. when i walked out of a place, i want to carry only the memories. i dun want to be talked about. let me leave. forget me. until today, i dun really have a clue of why i must do that. i talk about preserving memories, but at the same time, i am also the one who threw them away. my memories are mine to keep, and u can't have them. i dunno what i should do. it frustrates me even more when i realised that my life can end at anytime, and all of those memories, won't mean a thing. cruel.

the life that i hold dear. it will be alright.