she. her. me.

i can't feel anything anymore. i hate this feeling.
how can you hate when u can't feel a thing?
i.. don't really know..
you're weird. =_="

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that is what happens when i consult the inner me. frustrating? agak ar. i kinda had an argument with my mom just now (i don't know whether it counts as an argument, but she was really upset, she was practically scolding me, but i didn't say a word). she was not happy with me being 'me'. we were inside the car. she kept going on and on about my past mistakes - and i really can't stand it when she does just that. it makes me feel like jumping out of the car and into the busy street. i was really upset. i wanted to cry. i was so frustrated that i shut down. my mind was elsewhere. i know that i'm still in the car, but i was safe, secluded from the world. i was in a safe place. it was dark, but at the same time cozy. i felt at ease, but not happy. she was waiting for me. the other me.

"Hi, the other me!", she said to me.

i didn't respond. eventhough she seems cheerful, i know my other self better than anyone else. she is one sarcastic, cynical bitch. while she's bitching around, she persuaded me to figure it out. figure out life. figure out people. she handed me a special kind of glasses, and told me to put them on. the glasses are special because, i can view anything i want, through any prespective that i want. she told me to look at things in a different way. so i did.

"what do you think is the real reason that mom is so upset with you?", she asked.

and i saw it. the possibilities are endless. the main reason? my mom is still upset about losing her phone. she must had a hard time at job today because of that. maybe she had to go through a lot; she couldn't call her boss when she wanted to, she was late for a meeting coz nobody could reach her on the phone, etc. maybe she is annoyed with the bangla at the cafeteria that she thinks is the culprit of her phone disappearance? and she was still annoyed because she had left tons of message on the phone; begging for who ever that took it to kindly return it back o her office - which i thought ('we' both thought useless). maybe she was feeling down because mak ngah had just received her 2nd grandson, while she still have one? maybe. or maybe she is sad because she only knew about Kak Ani's delivery after she reached home. maybe something happened on the road? someone cut the queue in front of her in the traffic? or maybe it's the weather. it's so damn hot that it pisses everyone off.

"there're tons of other reasons for her to get mad. you're just unlucky to be here. bear with it. no. don't bear with it. don't make any effort at all. continue. continue to float in this world of ours. we are safe in this hollow, empty space. let's sing. let's dance. let time pass. let it all go. take a deep breath. can you smell that lonely air?"

"that's not loneliness. that's Glade - lavender,"

"......."

"whatever."

i returned the glasses to her. i can see that she is annoyed. but strangely enough, i felt better. from the depth of this empty, hollow space, i found new strength. it maybe temporary, but it's enough for now. i closed my eyes. when i opened them, i'm here. stuck in this life. i wanted to sigh. but the other me yells out "there's no point of doing that! u can't gain anything! move on!", and she's right. thanks to her, i don't dwell on the past. (that is why i don't support for History to be taught in schools) move on. move on. move on. that is why i can call myself an optimist. for when life is too hard, i can always crawl back into that empty hole.



the question now is, for how long can i stay inside this dark, empty world of mine?

i want to be a hikikomori.