Wow.

Hello 2013.

Like wow, can I just not point out how long has it been since I last blogged? Okay, definitely NOT trying to point that out. It has been awhile since I've written anything, and I think it has somehow affected my thought process. Like whutt-- I don't even know what I'm saying, really.

Writing for the sake of trying to make sense of things. Sigh. I need this.

The person that I myself perceive to be, is different from what others might see of me. There's a different version of "Me" according to my mom, my dad, siblings, and group of friends. I feel extremely drained when I have to be around my family. I would detach myself from doing things together with them, especially when the house is packed with, well, family. Why? I keep telling myself that the reason why I acted that way was because I don't really like little kids, and I am not fond of some members of the 'family'. uhm yeah those who aren't really blood-related.

But I should've guessed it. I don't have problems with anyone that could really affect me that much. It's me. I have a problem with myself. At least that is what I am aware of right now. Family - they've been with me, 'known' me for the longest time. For all my life. I grew up to be the "Me" that they knew, and there is no way I could ever know which "Me" that they have seen in me. I doubt that anyone could make someone understand something like that. It's something that is hard to even talk about, let alone understand. I can just go around asking someone to tell you who I am as a person. There's always this doubt in my head that what I'll get from this people maybe things that they think that I want to hear, and not the absolute truth. Huh, trust issues. Maybe you can live with something like that, but I definitely can't.

Some time ago, my person asked me a common question. "What do you like about me?" I had the hardest time, searching for words. I tried to shrug it off with some generic answers, but I know it wasn't good enough.

"I don't know."
"You've known me for all these while but you don't know why you like me?"

I just couldn't. I was desperately trying to describe what this person is to me, knowing that giving him a half-assed response just wouldn't cut it. It wouldn't be fair to him, and I myself wouldn't be satisfied with it.

"Your hands."

Instead of saying something overly romantic; instead of pointing out the good traits that he has; I said that I like his hands; which is a physical thing. Really. I could have said things like I like how kind he is to everyone, how I love it when he sings me to sleep, how he would go out of his way to make me feel happy, how he appreciates me, how funny he is, how talented i think he is. He is all that, and more. And I do like his hands. But he was quite upset with my shallow answer.

"You only liked me for my hands?"
...............

And so after he scolded me a bit, i told him things that I've stated before. I'll say it again. I like how kind he is to everyone, how I love it when he sings me to sleep, how he would go out of his way to make me feel happy, how he appreciates me, how funny he is, how talented i think he is. He is all that, and more. And I do like his hands. I still like his hands.

Why did I answered with such a shallow answer?

I could see his hands. He could see his hands. In a way, I feel like I was trying to point out something that I like about him, that I am sure that he could see it for himself. I would be flustered if someone said that I am a kind person. Maybe I am kind, but am I kind enough? A simple praise, if it was, can send me into an endless debate with myself. I can't explain it really, but those kinds of things will fuck my head up hard. Even he himself denied some of the things that I told him. "Nahh.. I'm not that good of a person." But you're good to me. You're the best.

"I like your hands."
"I like your eyes."
"I like your neck."
"I like your everything."

but I think "I like your hands." is still the best answer. I could take a risk and try to describe what your entirety means to me, but I am not brave enough. I know I am not capable. It might be not be possible, but I want you to trust this thing that I have for you.

(If I said I liked his eyes, would that sound better?)

Wow I think I rambled out on a tangent there a bit.

Back to the sort of the main point. People perceive themselves differently. People perceive other people differently, and in my opinion, the perception of one and oneself can never truly overlap. I've spent my whole life with my family, and there's a quite a few people in my family. The reason why I feel so drained when I'm with them is because, I tire myself out trying to figure out and/or living up to their perception. For my case, I don't think anyone will ever know what goes on in my head. I feel, sort of comfortable talking to strangers because, I could easily control how they would perceive me, and it makes me feel, somewhat secure. I don't know how to fix this thing that I have when I'm with my family though.

Keeping me to myself.