I Thought I was Happy.

i thought i was happy. i felt content living as myself. i never tried to become something i'm not. i don't have high expectations in life anymore. i was happy living in the moment as the day comes and goes. i don't care about the past. i don't care about the future.

until i saw this.



MACAM MANA NAK JADI AWESOME NI OMG OTL

no no i was actually side-tracking. i felt crappy waking up today. i had this weird dream where i met people from my past, and they said things to me. things that made me think. it's like, my conscience are haunting me in my dreams. back then, i used to care for the world. i used to be one of the people who thinks about stuff, a lot. stuff like morality, higher-beings, time-travelling, the definition of life, "what would the world be if i'm not here", "why am i here", objectivity, "i like you so much but how come you don't like me back", karma, fate, destiny, etc. i mean, who doesn't lol. i used to make this little shrine with teddy bears because i thought the teddy had some kind of supernatural power or something. i even had this weird ritual where i would pour water and sand with some rambutan leaves in a bowl and offered it to the teddy bear. ah i was 4 or 5 at the time but i must be awesome to acknowledge the existence of a higher being at such a young age.

therefore i am really grateful to be born as a Muslim lol omg imagine what would happen if i'm not =___=

some people would freak out and throw me rocks when i say that sometimes i still think about the existence of higher beings. well please don't throw rocks at me lol. of course i believe in God. i believe in His prophets. i believe in the Holy Quran. i see it as a matter of fact. OMAIGOD THIS IS ONE OF THE POSTS WHERE I BECAME SUPER CONSCIOUS OF MY RELIGION AND FAITH D: lolol hmm. you see, people studying abroad tends to get more religion conscious, which is good. kalau kat Malaysia dulu, we would whallap everything because it's Malaysia, and we're confident that those stuff all halal. BUT. when you get here, you'll tend to get hyper-analytical about the stuff that you eat. for example, a bag of potato chips - BBQ flavor. you'll tend to think about the flavorings. animal derived? plant derived? if they used chicken flavor, would it be from halal chicken? what about cheese? HALAL CHEESE? the more you contemplate, the more complicated it gets. and it's safer to walk away from that bag of chips.

to be quite honest all the thinking would made hungrier and hungrier so i'd just tear open the bag and eat it lol. "IT'S POTATOES IT'S JUST POTATOES THEY CAN'T HURT ME" D:

i know i'm wrong lol. jangan tiru saya TTwTT

there's another story about potato chips that i'd like to share. i have a friend. she had this little bit of predicament. she had a bag of chips and offered it to a non-muslim. the non-muslim accepted her offer, reached into the bag of chips and took some la to eat. so her doubt was, should she eat the rest of the chips afterwards? because there might be traces of haram things than could have fallen into the bag of chips as the non-muslim was reaching in to the bag. anyway a wise friend of her said that it's okay because we can assume that even if they are traces of things that fell from that person's hand. they would be from the chips itself and therefore halal la to eat after that. FURTHERMORE, the act of offering the chips to a non-muslim will show the kind nature of Islam, and it's some sort of dakwah la in a way.

whoa. i share my chips all the time but never once did it occur to me that i'm acually inviting people to know Islam. I AM NICE TO PEOPLE BECAUSE I WANT TO D: klasjdlaskd my concept of 'keikhlasan' has been tossed down the drain right now D; i'm so confused. but i'll continue to share my chips with people BECAUSE I WANT TO D: haih.

for all my life, i have been nice to people just so i won't get hated. i don't need people to return the favor. just don't hate me that's all.